Saturday, April 30, 2005

Need to Ponder on This

Do not let your heart rule over your head. There is nothing wrong in looking for someone to love but it is better to have someone who can love us back just as much without breaking the rules. Someone we can be with without having to push others side. Someone we can love without any guilt. Someone we can spend our lives with freely forever.


Haven't had much sleep of late, especially this week. Had to work OT. Have to make money.

I was with JF, Ennui and MJ last night (actually this morning). JF, MJ and I watch the HEROSAN film. Eww. Enjoying, though.

Got home at 1:30 AM, slept at 2, woke up at 4:30 AM, at work by 7:20. Damn.

So tired. Yesterday was the last day of the seminar. But then I had to do five things at the same time. Tiring.

Hei Jun of SBC, where are yah? I need sustenance from your presence. Ü

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Clean Sweep

It's finally starting to dawn on you that it's over, and that you've actually gotten yourself out of a really tough situation. You're feeling free -- like it really is the first day of the rest of your life. Well, don't stop now. If you have a couple of other changes in mind, this would be a good time to give them some energy and consideration, too. Why not make it a clean sweep?

It's right. I need a clean sweep.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

I'm OK I Guess

This week had been surprisingly okay. I was expecting that I was going to experience another bout of sadness. I, however, feel fine.

I am in a computer shop right now near JRU. Just to pass time, so that when I get home, there's nothing else to do but sleep. And good sleep I have been getting for the past few days.

I have already deleted his numbers from my SUN SIM. I'm going to do it again on my GLOBE SIM. I think the act of deleting the numbers reduced my stress. At least, I won't be expecting any messages or calls from U.

Though hectic and lots of OTs, I'm happy because I've been working fine. I get to finish what I need to finish, which is a good sign. It just means that I am right on track.

Anyway, I'm going to update this blog probably this weekend. There's nothing much to tell lately.

Oh, by the way last night on the bus from Makati, there was this guy sitting across me who was massaging his tool. Just had to share that.

I miss SBC's Jun. Goddemmit he's so cute.

Monday, April 25, 2005

At the Very End

All that hibernating gave you a chance to do some thinking, and you've arrived at a decision with regard to a certain someone who's been feeling more and more like a weight around your neck. You're all done playing this game, and there's no talking you out of it. Now you've got to tell them about it, however. And while you may want to do it tonight, that will only result in a highly volatile situation. Just wait a day or two -- if you can.

That came from Friendster Horoscope. How can I not agree, when it has described what happened to me today. I've finally deleted U's account from my Friendster. It's over.

I'm still at the office. Working OT. Tired.

I miss my true friends. But I'm not being truthful to them.

Sunday, April 24, 2005


I feel as if I've lost everything last week.

To tell you honestly I miss U. He hasn't contacted me. He hasn't replied to my SMSs. I sent him another one last night, and as usual there was no response. I guess that's it. It's closed.

As for MJ, I just realized that he and I can never be more than friends. Heck, right now we're not even good friends. Is this closed? Should I close this? I think I should.

I've decide to lie-low for the next few weeks. I'm also thinking of dropping texts.

I'm tired.

Right now, I honestly feel that everything has been taken away. Probably I'm next. Hopefully? Maybe.

I'm at the office, but I went to hear Mass before I went here. I need help and guidance.

Yesterday we went to Antipolo for the company outing. It was dead boring for me, but I was already tipsy even before 10 AM.

I really don't know what to do.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Consumatum Est

It is done. Immortal words by a legendary man.
I never thought I would utter those words again and mean it.
I have finally decided to drop U. Although I am doing it with regret, I think that it is the best for me. I have already invested too much time and effort, sometimes I felt like losing myself. But this farce has to stop. Always when we were together, I never took advantage of his openness. I am proud of that because I have clearly shown my pure intentions. I will be his lost, and not the other way around.
Well, after all this, I still wish him well.
And as I have written on one of my previous poems:

"... your thread will burn away, but mine will last forever."
Jun was at SBC again. He's so damn cute. Ennui is thinking if he's a PLU.
MJ came over also, though he had to leave early to meet with his sis. Cute.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Here I Go Again

Last night I was with ennui, JF and MJ at SBC, Paseo. MJ was kinda sick, JF had to walk from Greenbelt to SBC, and ennui was, well, ennui. I treated them to a small dinner because I got my commission from work.

These are the three most important people in my life right now. Three of the four, er, of the five. Wait. Seven.

Jun was there and he was soooooo damn cute.

The surprise last night, though, was that Urie texted me. And I don't know what to do with him right now. Hindi mo pala ako kayang tiisin eh, ikaw ang maghabol ngayon. Ü

Monday, April 18, 2005

Eerily Familiar

I recognize this feeling that I have. It's been bugging me for the past few days.

I think I'm slipping into a fresh bout of melancholia.

Sunday, April 17, 2005


Here is a text message I got from a friend, lets call her JF.
"... I'll do what I can. I just don't want to see you get hurt. Again. I want to help that somehow for certain I know you'll be happy in the end. I don't think I have ever seen you like that. I don't think I have ever seen you smile, from the heart. That is what I hope I can do for you someday."
This really made me think. Though I haven't said it to her, I really haven't been happy in all my life. How could I ever smile, I don't know exactly what would make me smile. I thought I was able to smile when I met Urie. I was wrong. I have to let go, not of him, but of myself. I think it's the best thing for both of us.

Suddenly I missed JM. Though I don't want to go back into a relationship, his presence made me feel LOVED, if even for a little. It is unfortunate that I lost his contact numbers, and I forgot about his phone number.

I am a really bad, messed up individual.

The tall, cute guy's name at SBC Paseo Center. His name is JUN. Another "J" in my life.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Shut up, KALBO!

I know sir, you're one of my superiors and everything, but puhleaze stop trying to impress me. Instead give me instructions that are worth my while. I'm soooo wasting my time with you, and you're wasting the company's money with your stupid instructions. Be specific. Augh.

Top 10 Things I Hate On the Sidewalk

10. Groups of people occupying the entire sidewalk.
09. A girl with a small bag who can occupy the entire sidewalk despite her size.
08. Old people who walk like there's a procession.
07. Vendors and hawkers/other commuters.
06. Filthy trash.
05. Signages/ads.
04. Parked cars.
03. Smoke from vehicles.
02. Good-looking people/couples.
01. I hate it most when there's literally no sidewalk to walk on.


It was a good thing that I had to run an errand for my boss last Monday: I was able to leave the office early and arrive at the Festival Mall an hour after.
Yes, I met him again. So much for being cold-hearted and every little shit I said.
On the way to Alabang, there was a preacher on the bus that I was on. He was black. I think God was trying to speak to me. I listened, though. So unlike me.
And so, the two of us met infront of NBS. He was wearing his uniform - white top, black pants. I was wearing a black top and cream pants. Amusing.
We transferred to the Alabang Town Center (wow, he agreed) because I had to buy some photo paper. Then we walked around for a bit, and then bought the tickets for CLOSER. But we were late, so we decided to take the next schedule. We ate at KFC first, where we just talked. He was in Laguna from April 7 to 10. Some sort of conference/general assembly. And he and his friends went to EK last Saturday.
He wanted me to call/text him that Saturday evening, since he texted me saying that the event was extended. I didn't. I called him up Sunday because he texted me. I got his message just as Ro and I were out of the movie house (we watched CLOSER). I made excuses as to why I wasn't able to contact him. But I didn't tell him that I wanted to end it all. WHY?
Last Sunday night, he asked me, "Bakit may anghang yata ang mga texts mo?" This question was pertaining to my messages to him. The first one was '[His name], are you trying to push me away?'. Then the follow up to that was, 'I guess your silence means yes. Tatanggapin ko naman if you want me out.' I told him that I felt as if he wanted me out. He said that I musn't pre-empt what he's thinking, and that he will tell if he wants me out, but he doesn't want to do that. I said okay. We talked mostly about what happened during our weekends, and then when it was time to sleep, he said that we meet Monday afternoon. I agreed.
Once inside the movie house, we sat at the floor behind the seats because we got in during the last few mintues of the movie. Were talking and talking, and I am sure that a lot of poeple heard what we were discussing. We decided to sit ourselves instead, beacuse the floor was kind of uncomfortable. Anyway, the seats were really nice, and I wanted to sleep right then and there. When the movie was over, we sat at the back because there was a part where only two chairs were together. So we still talked until the movie started.
There came a point in the film (near Alice's and Larry's meeting) that I asked him if he was okay. He told me that I should stop asking him that because he was. He sounded irritated, though. So I shut my mouth. At that point I needed to go to the restroom. And so I stood and started to move, but then he caught my arm and asked where I was going. I think he thought that I was leaving him. I washed my face also, because I was getting sleepy. When I got back, he asked if I cried. I said no.
When the movie was finished, we went to Metropolis because he had to swap his phone. There he was singing a song. He asked me to sing a song for him. The Reason by Hoobastank. He asked for a copy of the lyrics. I said I'll give it to him the next time we meet.
Anyway, he walked with me to the bus terminal. Thank goodness there were buses there. My fears of not getting home were completely unfounded. I looked back at him, smiled, and waved goodbye. Twice. Once on the bus, I texted him. His reply was that he looked forward to our next meeting.
Honestly, ako rin. I really don't know how or why, but I was happy when I was with him. And I hate myself for loving him still. Punyeta.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Strength and Courage

Help me find the strength and the courage to tell him that - I have given it much thought - I think he and I are better off as friends. It's time to end this circus. I'm going to tell it to him through a letter.

It will hurt me the most, but better now than two weeks from now.

Thursday, April 07, 2005


Ai. Itakunaru ma de aisuru. Itai toshitemo aisuru. Itakunai ma de aisuru.

Love. Love until it hurts. Love until it hurts some more. Love until it hurts no more.

He's in Laguna right now with ... someone else? God it hurts.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

The 6th and the 99th

Last April 3, Urie and I saw each other for the 6th time. I also saw my 99th car after our meeting.

He and I talked. Not just an ordinary small talk, but we talked with hearts open. More on this on another post.

He called last night. It got cut. I called him, and I put him to sleep.

Joy In Suffering

I admit that I am an emotional sado-masochist. I enjoy it when I'm sad. I appreciate my self-worth, I think good of other, I wish them all the love and happiness that I could never possibly attain. I do not why I am like this. Thoughts of suffering and sadness lash at me, it's a form of emotional self-flagellation. I bask in the unnatural high it brings. This is the thing in me that I could not understand. I enjoy the thought of my own sacrifices - whether in the past, the present, or in the future - bringing happiness unto others. I'm like saying: ako na lang, huwag na sila.
I would be like Atlas - I will carry all the misery of the people I care for the most, and endure it until the end of my days. And the greatest joy in it would be seeing the winsome smile in their faces, free of trouble and of pain. What a better place to live in, then. And probably when I can't bear it any longer shall I know my self-worth. In all these, I only ask humility, patience, and solicitude.
Love. Love until it hurts. Love until it hurts more. Love until it hurts some more. Love until it hurts no more.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Follow the Sun

There was a time when I lived my life Thinking only of the things
that would bring me down And all the while what I didn't know Is
that I never learned to take the time to look around There's a
little good in everyone And sometimes it takes a little work to
see the sun If you try, you may find your life has just begun
Don't you run Don't you run If you're feeling lost And you wanna
be free And you feel like your world is tearing up at the seams
Remember there's light If you wait till the dawn You may walk
through the clouds But to carry on You've got to follow the sun
Listen baby This world may be crazy Sometimes you'll feel like
losing the game But there's always a reason to keep on believing
Everyone is not the same But if you appreciate the things you
have today You will find a way Woh.... If you're feeling lost
And you wanna be free And you feel like your world is tearing up
at the seams Remember there's light If you wait till the dawn
You may walk through the clouds But to carry on You've got to
follow the sun