Hard Habit To Break

This one goes out to JD

I guess I thought you’d be here forever
Another illusion I chose to create
You don’t know what ya got until it’s gone
And I found out just a little too late

I was acting as if you were lucky to have me
Doin’ you a favor I hardly knew you were there
But then you were gone and it was all wrong
Had no idea how much I cared

Chorus:
Now being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
But I don’t want toLiving without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting easier
It’s the hardest thing to take
I’m addicted to ya babe
You’re a hard habit to break

You found someone else you had every reason
You know I can’t blame you for runnin’ to him
Two people together but living alone
I was spreading my love too thin

After all of these years
I’m still tryin’ to shake it
Doin’ much better they say that it just takes time
But deep in the night it’s an endless flight
I can’t get ya out of my mind

Chorus
2nd chorus:
Being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
I don’t want to
Being without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting any easier
It’s the hardest thing to take
I’m addicted to you
You’re a hard habit to break

Two

I'm confused right now. Part of me miss JD, and the other part wants me to forget him. Damn. More of this later.

Cry To Heaven

Marco Antonio, or Tonio, is the last son of the Treschi - a very powerful, influential, and ancient noble Venetian family. His childhood was spent mostly in the palazzo of Andrea Treschi - an old man but member of the Venetian Grand Council and head of their family - together with his young mother. All his life he thought his brothers were dead in wars that the once-powerful Venetian State fought hard to secure its empire, until the day his father allowed him to join the festivities of the city. There, whispers of a fourth brother reached his innocent ears. But the one that resounded most in him was the rumor of his resemblance to the one they called Carlo, exiled to Istanbul by Andrea. Due to his youth, Tonio did not comprehend the complexity of his family. He spent most of his time singing, for it was his passion.

In a society where the castrato sang in the opera and theaters, Tonio surprised everyone with his beautiful voice, one attributed only to the eunuch singers of his time. Allowed to wander the streets, he sang until the wee hours of the morning, mostly after cavorting with a lowly servant maid.

His father died soon after, and his death moved the wheels of Tonio’s destiny. Carlo, upon hearing the news, returned to Venice where he fought hard against his father’s last will. It was revealed that their likeness was in fact due to Carlo’s paternity to Tonio. The boy, however, refused to accept this revelation and avoided him. He still spent most of his time singing. This gave Carlo a foul idea.

At the age of fifteen, Tonio was forcefully castrated and entrusted to Guido.

Guido was a castrato from a conservatorio in Naples. He was traveling all over Italy to search for a voice that would inspire him to write his masterpiece. Guido was once a promising opera singer bound for Rome, if not for the day that his voice left him. Instead he became a cruel and hard maestro to the students of the conservatorio, making miracles out of hopelessness. His students both shunned and thanked him. Guido brought Tonio back to the conservatorio, together with the two boys he had picked along the way to Venice, one of them was named Paolo.

It took time for Tonio to accept his fate, but his experience at the slopes of Vesuvius changed his life. He resigned to the fact that he was forever bound to the life at the opera.

Besides his lessons with the voice which immediately awed all his peers and mentors, Tonio killed Lorenzo, a eunuch at the conservatorio, a rash youth who couldn’t have made it even with the guidance of Guido. Tonio became the lover of another eunuch, whose femininity aroused the lust in him, but whom he could never and did not love. When he left, Guido and Tonio discovered their passion for each other, and their relationship transcended that of student and teacher. Their nights were filled with their all-consuming passion for each other.

Tonio agreed to everything Guido asked him to perform, except to play the part of a female. They would argue about this endlessly. But one night, he was maneuvered by Guido and the Countess into performing for a large audience at her palazzo. Everyone knew then that he was ready to sing outside the confines of the conservatorio. He was ready for Rome.

Their host in Rome was the brother of the Countess, a Cardinal – a prince of the Church. Reluctantly, he left his view of mighty Vesuvius and brought Paolo with him, together with his maestro, Guido.

In Rome, he was known as Tonio Treschi, refusing to be called by another. This was his first opera, and Guido chose for a her a female role which at first he resisted but eventually accepted as the time drew near. It was past Christmas and before the New Year when they performed. Despite the fact that the opera was interrupted several times by the supporters of the soprano that would take the male lead, Tonio got out of it triumphant, having sang the song in the stillness of voices after much ruckus from the audience.

And in Rome, he became the lover of the Cardinal, and the object of lust of the count Rafaelle di Steffano, and numerous Roman men he had picked up in the most unlikely place in the ancient city. And once the Cardinal refused him, Tonio once again became Guido’s lover. However, Tonio also became the lover of the famous but young painter, the Englishwoman Christina, wife of the Countess’ dead cousin, whom he had been seeing but had never known in Naples.

And then came news of the death of his mother. This was what he was waiting for. He was ready for revenge. Everyone dissuaded for him to continue, or at least let others kill his father-brother for him, but he cannot be budged from his decision.

After their sensational season in Rome, they were asked to perform in Florence. The opera went ahead, even Christina, but Tonio came back to Venice, to the Piazza San Marco where Carlo had been drinking and cavorting women. Disguised, he lured his father-brother to an abandoned house, and bound him. Whereupon Tonio eventually released him, but Carlo didn’t apologize for his doings, as Tonio’s original plan was. Carlo thrust a knife towards him. But Tonio, having learned and mastered fencing, released the stiletto that he always carried with him. In the end, he left the now-cold corpse of his father-brother.

Twelve days before Lent, he set on foot for Florence, after ending the torment that lived with him.

Discourse

I am not a fan of Anne Rice, I only picked up the book because the first few pages interested me. Guido, castrated at a very young age, is a very interesting introduction.

Paolo, a mere ten-year old boy, grew attached to Tonio from the very first days that they have known each other. The scene where they were inside the carriage bound for Naples, Paolo - cuddled and nestled against Tonio - the level of intimacy at that point was beyond physical: Paolo was the ultimate manifestation of the innocence and childhood of Tonio. The boy’s fear, agitation, restlessness and youthful exuberance was the be- all and end-all of the pre-castration Tonio Treschi.

The author was explicit about the duality of Tonio’s disposition: on one hand was the happy one, satisfied with a life of music; on the other was the soul tormented by the lust for revenge. Tonio was happy singing, and even surrendered himself to play a woman’s role. And this happiness dimmed the other side of him. It eventually came, out of fear of being drowned by the happiness. And his mother’s death was the catalyst.

Tonio playing the female role was the greatest challenge of his career. Since actual female singers where at that time banned from performing onstage, naturally the castrato replaced them. They became androgynous, once they wore that dress of their female part. They were beautiful, and they fooled a lot of men, just like what happened between Guido and Tonio. Dressed as a man, people would know that he is a castrato singer, a male, and would naturally listen to him. But as a woman, people would have to break the illusion of what they are seeing is not a woman but a man disguised as a woman. For Guido, this was the truest test of Tonio’s power. And he did. He did enthrall everyone inside that theater where he first appeared. And Guido knew that Tonio, who emanated this power, held them well and they basked in his glory.

The Cardinal learned the secrets of the flesh when he and Tonio shared that first night. But the Cardinal was racked by guilt, for him Tonio was evil. But for Tonio it was love, for what is sin without guilt? The discourse her would be lengthy but I choose to end it here. Only, I can relate.

Count Rafaelle di Steffano, we would learn eventually would be his lover also, but would be his defender and protector.

(to be continued)

My Winamp

This is the Winamp that I use at the office. I've manipulated the blast for some 3D effect. Pathetic, no? :D Though I'm still hoping you guys like it.

Cry to Heaven

An Anne Rice novel. 1982. Ballantine Books. Nice read.

What I Want...

... is for strangers to keep off my three feet radius of personal space. Especially in the morning. I. Don't. Want. You. Near.

... is for the driver, whose jeepney I rode going to work today, to crash into something. He doesn't deserve his license.

... is for someone to explain why Murphy's Law affects me more than anyone else.

... is for me to find out why I am restless for the past few days.

I had a dream the other day: my sister, nephew and I were going up the stairs of the second floor. All of a sudden I fell backwards, as if someone pushed me by the chest. I woke up with a start. Damn.

Jologs? Khebs.

Last night I chatted with a long time "kuya" when I used to frequent mIRC channels such as #bm and #dg. Anyway, we talked about the lives of my two closest friends, who both recently have been having the time of their love, and uhm, "intimate" life. I didn't tell him everything, of course. I just told him that I am happy for both of my friends, especially the one I've known all my life, because they were able to find someone to enjoy with and most probably have a perfect relationship with. Actually, I want to write more, but I think it's best to keep the deeper thoughts to myself, as of now.

My bratty seven year old niece was being bitchy today. Sad to say she went against a tried and tested wall of indifference -- ME. It's a nice feeling, crushing the stubborness flat out from her, just like what I did this morning and like what I've been doing for quite sometime now.

Surprsingly, Ceska, my sister's Labrador bitch (as in female dog, but it works both ways) has been behaving well. Maybe she's up to something.

My current addiction? Pinoy Big Brother (bwa-dther). Ü Jologs? Khebs.

Adobe Photoshop 7.0

Hello. I admit I'm not a computer graphics geek or guru, but yesterday I spent almost the entire day with Photoshop 7.0 that was newly installed in my office computer. It's a big jump from 5.5, and it's going to be work getting used to the new software. But the thing is, I like it. I love the new look, and the v7.0 has more functions. I'll be posting samples of my work using v7.0 here soon. Not much to look at, but still it's a nice change.

Damn, I miss doing sketches of the human body. This year's COSMOPOLITAN Philippines' with the 69 Bachelors is a big disappointment because 95% of the guys they featured were students. Students, and not even the really exotic ones. They all look the same for me now. No one worthy to be sketched. Last year's collection though, that was ho-ho-hot! :D

I now have music in the office, thanks to the speakers I brought from home. Of course when I leave, I am going to bring it with me.

What is it that I want right now? I'm planning of renovating my home, and that would take some time, but I think not long enough because I don't have a big house. And hoping I don't die early, but I think I would. :D

I just learned that my former officemate, let's call him "Edward", has been hospitalized, was given recommended leave, and is now resting for two weeks. He gets back to work on the 23rd. I actually miss Edward. He's kind of flirty, and there is this sexiness in him that does not translate to a big body. Heck, he's a small guy. But the way he moves, and sometimes when he grinds to the music. Damn. Too bad he's got a wife and a kid. What is it with me and married/committed people? Ü What surprised me was that it was his wife who texted me about his situation. Does she know?

The Philippines Spying On the U.S.?

There's been news that the Philippines, my dear but poor country, has been spying against the U.S., and Michael Aquino, a Ping Lacson lackey, has been behind it all together with some other conspirators. The contents of those highly classified documents contain information regarding PHILIPPINE OFFICIALS. Which means that the U.S. has been spying on the Philippines. Now some lawmakers here are demanding that the U.S. explain why they are spying on us.

And here's my big question to all these so-called lawmakers: WHY NOT?

Espionage has been part of governance since Egypt was Egypt. I honestly think that these people clamoring for the US to explain haven't read SUN TZU's Art of War. Pathetic miscreants. No wonder this country is in deep shit.

Catch Me If You Can

Reminiscent of the film starring Leonardo diCaprio, I feel as if I've been missing in action for a very long while. Well, admittedly, I'm stuck inside my sister's house. Though I don't necessarily like it there, I am taking into consideration the proximity of their place to the office. Imagine spending between 15 and 35 pesos a day, to and fro. That's a big savings of 30 pesos a day. ( Yes, I'm a fucking miser ... who the hell cares?)

I think I have shown the value of my frugality here at the office. I have had delivered a new computer for only Php 17,000, and they thought that it was over 30 K. I got the stamp of approval from our Vice President for Finance. I'm on the road to the top, thenafter, the complete domination of the world! (Insert demonic laugh here.)

In three days my sister would be arriving back from the U.S. Hay, there goes my three weeks of freedom and remorselessness.

Talked to Monja last night.

Lastly, it's JD's capping ceremony today. I think it's in the afternoon. Then it's his birthday on Sunday. Haven't heard from him since last night. He had probably dozed off. I won't be sending him any messages not until tonight.

Damn, I need a new phone.

A Tribute to Ennui

Ennui and I have known each other for years, and we had seen each other grow to become what we are today. Unfortunately, I haven't written any literature for him. Due to recent circumstances, however, I was inspired to write this short but meaningful poem. I am offering this one to one of the best friends that I have. I hope he likes it.

THE CACTUS

And it stood there waiting
parched, the cactus burned in the desert
it rigid frame stiff, erect and pointing to the sky.
From a distance, clouds rumbled,
and sparks flew.
Suddenly, wind blew harsh upon the cactus
but it did not sear,
the sand, like teeth, blasted its skin, and
the grains caressed its protected length
as the cactus swayed amidst the tempest.
Rain followed, beads of white falling from
an unknown heaven, showering the enduring one
with life-giving matter not necessarily for its own.
And as the new source of sustenance sank on the ground,
the cactus did nothing but sucked, taking in
every last drop, fearing it would be the last,
it’s own moisture flowing on its side.
The rain has gone, but hovering above the setting sun
amidst the shimmering desert, are clouds,
and the cactus rests, assured of coming rains.

Finally Fixed

For some time now my problem with this blog is that the sidebar is located near the bottom. I checked the template and there was nothing wrong with it. I decided to switch to this new template, thinking that it would solve the issue. It did not, much to my dismay. But then I noticed that one entry has extra lines to the side of it. I checked its HTML coding, and there it was. I was able to fix it.

In gratitude, I am going to keep this template. It's a nice change. It's cute. It fits me.

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Most of you might be wondering why I haven't written here. Well, it's just that I've been writing over my real journal, the one I write with my cursive script. He he he. There are things I can share, and there are those that I'd rather keep to my own.

Misconception or Plain Stupidity?

I know it's very early in the morning to lambast someone, but since it has already pushed me over the brink of disgust, I would like to start my entry with this.

I was reading the front page of a daily broadsheet when I saw this photo of the refugees of the huricane Katrina. It reminded me of the thousands dead in New Orleans. I mentioned this to one of my officemates, let's call him N, and he didn't know that weather disturbances occured in the U.S. (point 1), or if he did, didn't know that there was one right now (point 2). Suddenly, he said a-matter-of-factly that they disperse these disturbances through bombs. Or in his immortal words, "Pinapasabog nila yun." He was referring to the storm (point 3). The cogs in my mind moved.

THAT IS PLAIN STUPID. It just confirmed my first impression of him that his brain is found in between his legs. It's a classic case of not knowing something fully before speaking. I can't believe what I heard. I told him, "How can you disperse something that is as big as France and Germany?" What did he wanted to use, a nucelar bomb?! I don't claim to know everything, but at least I do have the effort to know things first before talking. Then came another topic in my mind.

The U.S. can claim that it is oh-so-powerful, but it cannot hide its hypocrisy. They may claim that they're god, but they're definitely not one. Look at all the thousands dead in New Orleans. Look at how slow their pathetic excuse for a president responded to the disaster. How ironic that he's too hesistant (excuse for the lack of word) in helping his countrymen, but too enthusiastic to wage a war across the Atlantic. Another case of having no brains at all? Their president is just disgusting and really UNFIT to hold the seat of power.

While I am one of those few people who secretly rejoice in this blow to their president's image, and secretly rejoice at the exposure of his incompetence and mismanagement, my heart goes out to all the families who had loved ones litter the streets of New Orleans, dead.

For N, I pity you.

I Suffer from PTSD

Well, probably few of my friends will understand this, and I believe most, if not all, will dismiss this as a result of an idle mind. But this is my mind, and I understand what is happening to me. To those who will understand outright, thank you. To those who will dismiss this, then you need time to understand me.

I suffer from PTSD, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I won't elucidate because I am not a medical practitioner. I, however, will provide a link so that you can understand what I am going through ever since. Read and understand here: http://www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic_stress_disorder/article.htm .

I just feel unfortunate that I had a hell lot of traumatic experiences. But anyway, it's already there. I think that the best thing for now is to identify the causes and treat them the best way I can.

My Biorythm - Check Yours!

http://www.care2.com/biorhythms/

What's the graph telling me?
The middle line represents your biorhythm values at birth--zero. Cycles above that midpoint are positive, and cycles below the midpoint are negative. A critical day occurs when your biorhythm cycles cross the zero line on the ascent or descent. On critical days, performance in the affected cycles might be particularly poor--so watch out!

The Three Cycles:

Emotional Cycle: governs the nervous system, which is also called the "sensitivity rhythm". What are the symptoms of the Positive and Negative Emotional Stages? For the Positive Emotional Stage, you will feel great creativity, lovingness, and warmth. Also, you will probably be more open in your relationships. For the Negative Emotional Stage, you're inclined to feel withdrawn and less cooperative. You may also feel very irritated and negative about those things that occur in your daily life.

Physical Cycle: affects the physical aspect of the body, including your energy level, resistance, and overall physical strength and endurance. What are the symptoms of the Positive and Negative Physical Stages? For the Positive Physical Stage, you will feel at your best. You will feel physically fit to work on projects requiring physical strength and endurance. For the Negative Physical Stage, you are likely to have less energy and less vitality. Be sure to follow this cycle if you require physical endurance for either sports or work.

Intellectual Cycle: believed to originate in the brain. What are the symptoms of the Positive and Negative Intellectual Stages? For the Positive Intellectual Stage, you will be more intellectually responsive; you're open to accepting and understanding new ideas, theories and approaches. For the Negative Intellectual Stage, you're much more likely to have difficulty grasping new ideas and concepts.

Friendster Horoscope

Says:

The Bottom Line
For a celebrity sighting, look in the mirror! You're a star -- and you know it.
In Detail
It's the time of your life -- are you ready? Whether you've been expecting it or not, some good fortune and even better news is about to come your way from a very unexpected sector of your life. So chin up, and drop that recent gloom-and-doom attitude. Yes, it's a wise idea to be prepared for anything, but in general, if you expect things to work out, they will -- and sometimes spectacularly so, as recent events prove.

How ironic that my day didn't start out great. I fell asleep at 8:45 last night, and woke up at 3 this morning. I was up until about ten minutes to five. I texted JD to wake him up because he has duty today. Then I fell asleep again, and woke up at five minutes to six. What is happening to me?