What Is

What is behind this red keyhole? Truth to tell, I, too, do not know.

Ashes

This hurts.

I probably am the saddest person in the planet as of the moment. I firmly believe that today is the summation or culmination of the things I have done since the beginning of this year, in fact, ever since.

The past few months proved to be what I wanted to become: inspired, motivated, and generally feeling good about almost everything. Well, I did, sort of. Sadly, fate had a different story for me.

It began probably last year, when chapters of the book of my life finally closed. I think in the past decade or so, there are few left, with far fewer openings. I know you, my reader, if I have one, would be wondering what I am talking about. Well, let's just say that I had hopes and aspirations, those "what ifs?", that I wanted answered. And answered they were.

Just like today.

The other day, as I told Mugen, I had a dream of ash falling from the sky. It wasn't really a nightmarish thing, actually the slow falling of the ash resembled snow, lethal snow. Bothered, I looked up the meaning of ash on an online dream dictionary, and here is what I got:

To see ashes in your dream, signifies bitter changes and disruptions. Ashes may represent a failed relationship or a ruinous business enterprise. You may be feeling that the good times are over and nothing of value is left in your life. Alternatively, you may be dwelling too much on the past. You need to learn to let go.

Source: www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary

Exactly what I'm kind of feeling right now. I guess ganoon talaga. No matter how I try to achieve that happiness, I fail.

I feel sorry for myself. I honestly try to do good, but whenever I do, everything's gone in a blink of an eye. I don't know what's wrong. Well, at least the positive thing about this is that I now know where to place myself in the scheme of things.

And yes, I really should let go more now.

Ides of March 2007

I always wanted to write things on the Ides of March.

Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March on 44 BC. But accoring to Wikipedia:

In 2007, the 2051st anniversary of Caesar's assassination falls on March 28 due to the difference between the Julian and Gregorian calendars

and

Because of William Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar and its line "Beware the Ides of March", the term "Ides of March" has come to mean a foreboding of doom

So there.

Encounters: I

Yesterday, I did a re-layout on my cubicle for several reasons, first and foremost of all is to have some privacy. I obtained permission from my boss.

Anyway, sinita ako ng Accounting Manager kahapon, insisting that I keep the old lay out because it turns out that there's going to be one person to be added to their department (because of expansion purposes). Well, I told her na nagpaalam ako sa boss ko. She said that my re-layout was for the meantime.

It turns out that after I finished my work, mas lumuwag pa yung area.

Nakakayamot lang na ang hilig talaga makialam ng tibong (I'm not attacking her sexual orientation or preference) yun sa mga bagay na di naman niya dapat pakialaman. Napaka-plastic, OA at arte talaga niya.

I Am a Cartomancer

It's one secret that I have. I have been into cartomancy since ten years ago. My affinity for paper has naturally led me to this form of divination. I have read for several people, and I have had positive feedback. My favorite deck, and the one that I am using right now, is the Universal Waite deck. I also have the Vision tarot, which works in tandem with the Universal Waite when I do Tarot for Two.

Below is the major arcana of the Rider-Waite deck. (The Universal Waite has a more depth- and shade-oriented pencil coloring.) My favorite cards are The Lovers VI (union), Death XIII (rebirth), The Tower XVI (abrupt end [sometimes of illusion]), The Sun XIX (happiness), and Judgement XX (end of all, justice).

Art Lessons at Work

One of the perks of work that I have failed to recognize is my exposure to Philippine Modern Art. What to me is just a collection of art "junk" has rubbed into my "artistic" side. Right now there are six (6) coffeetable books about Philippine modern/contemporary art sitting on my two working tables. In it are collections of paintings, sculptures, and sketches by noted Philippine artitsts. I am talking about the 20th century.

I remember my first encounter with Philippine modern art. It was in Art class back in grade five, and part of the requirements was a write-up of a contemporary artist. On one of the Filipiniana shelves of the Reference Section of the Grade School Library, I took out a heavy hardbound coffeetable book and started browsing.

There I saw Victorio Edadas, the father of it all.

And so I summarized his life, works, and achievements. To be honest, I wasn't particulary interested with Philippine art back then, as I was exposed to the works of Monet, Manet, Rembrandt, van Gogh, and Picasso and other Western artists back then.

As I flipped through the pages of these books beside me, hoping to find photos and biographies of the artists featured on my boss' art website, I saw the typical but colorful works of our own artists. They featured provincial life, fiestas, and forest scenes in watercolor. There were other artists, however, that feature abstact paintings, sculptures, and metal works.

In one of the books, I saw Imelda Marcos in her butterfly-sleeved gown visiting the various one-man or group shows of artists. Then I remember that Imelda is an art connosieur, or more likely, she likes things that beautify. Thus, the CCP.

A photo in another book depicted their [insert day of the week-named] group painting inside Intramuros, despite the heat and blazing light of the afternoon sun.

I learned from my boss, though, how these are artists are exploited: their "employers" buy their works for a low price, then hype them. And when they became famous, their works are sold for galactic proportions way above the original price. While they enjoy their sales, the artists remain poor. They are, like the objects in the market, are an abused commodity.

I am not saying, however, that some remain poor. The works of Tabuena, Edades, Malang, and Rivera are (sometimes post-humously) sold surpassing 100,000 pesos. Cusi, a sometimes abstract artist, is currently in Europe.

Have I seen some of the artists? Yes, I have even taken pictures of them. Have I touched their works? Most definitely, since I have, after all, been asked to inventory my boss' collection.

Though I still have a long way to go for Philippine art appreciation, I can say that I have had a glimpse of what Filipino artists have to offer. It's just kinda sad though, that some works are truly commercialized, the artist living in abject poverty. But what saddens me more is that Philippine contemporary art is, for me, on an abnormal death.

Insomia Again

I've been awake since 2:50 this morning. Sleep has not been kind to me lately. I've been having dreams of holocaust proportions. I texted with Ennui to pass time. I'm sleepy.

I've downloaded Kris Lawrence's When I See You Smile. To the one, this is for you.

Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue

'Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach out for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright,
Everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh,
you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh,
I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world
that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it,
'cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need,
You're all I'll ever need

Chorus

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright,
Everything's alright

So right...

Busy Days

For three weeks I've been busy, so I haven't done much for myself. Probably my friends are wondering why I haven't dropped by NG, or why I haven't been sending IM trough YM. Anyway, I hope they understand.

If you are wondering what I've been doing, here's a list:

1. finished inventory of my boss' art collection for uploading to his art website,

2. scanned and uploaded company products to our website,

3. liaison between my boss and his former graphics artist now working part time for the company,

4. researcher for my boss' upcoming book,

5. reprised my work as admin. assistant to the Personnel Department,

6. all-around "secretary" for the office,

7. assisted in networking and IT or technical issues at the office, and

8. ran to and fro between venues of tournaments.

Surprisingly, I find myself still with energy left to walk half a kilometer home.

The Art of Natasha Wescoat

Recently, as I was browsing the Net for a nice picture frame, I came across a website featuring the works of Natasha Wescoat. While her other and possibly earlier works didn't catch my attention, her Tree series blew me away. Here are some of my favorite works of this contemporary artist. Enjoy.

All Apologies

I sincerely apologize for not posting as much as before. I've been randown with the demands of my boss who wants me to do them all at the same time (so what's new?) Anyway, I've been updating most of my friends of news about me, sadly there are none of late.

I sincerely apologize to Mugen and Ennui. I know I've been bugging you with "mysterious" questions about you know what. I hope you understand that I'm still trying to get a feel of what's been happening lately, since most of it's been sadly a repeat of mistakes I've done before. I don't want to assume, I don't want to be disappointed, I don't want to act when it will just hurt in the end, especially not right now. But I promise that in time, I will be able to tell you all the whole story of this sortie.

Most of all, I sincerely apologize to everyone I've unintentionally left out. Those who are waiting for me to listen to their issues and help them analyze and eventually find a solution to it. I'll fix my concerns first, then I will get back to you.