A Hawk Flew Past Me Yesterday

I don't know if it's an omen of some sort. As I was walking towards the gate on my way to work, there flew a hawk overhead. It gave out a short screech as it passed by.

In Western belief, I think a hawk signifies triumph or success over an obstacle.

For me, I am not sure as to what it signified.

Movie: Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny

I watched this movie last Saturday with my friends, and I see it as a deviation from the usual films that I love to see (comedy and fantasy).

Jack Black is as funny as ever. His antics and facial expressions never fail to make me laugh.

The movie proper is weird, though.

And for me, it reeks of homosexual undertones, directed at chubs of course.

Bad Trip, Bad Trip, Bad Trip!

I caught the cough virus last Monday, and it has gotten worse since last night. Inis ako dun sa supervisor na hinawahan ako nito. Sabi na kasing ayokong hawakan yung panyo nya, eh nag-insist, kaya eto, ang sakit ng lalamunan at baga ko.

Leche.

The Christmas Party is Over

Finally, the party is over last Saturday. No more bloody preparations. I wasn't into it in the first place. Duhrr...

I saw my crush though, and he, together with the rest of his groupmates did a sexy Gregorian chant dance. Awesome.

Mang Rudy

When I was very young, about Grades 3 to 4, I didn't go out of the house to play with other kids from our street. That was because I was afraid of a Mang Rudy.

Mang Rudy was the epitome of my fears back then. I used to hide behind my mother everytime he was outside. I used to run home whenever he was out.

I hated him.

In 2004, he was one of those stabbed by one of our neighbors who held a grudge against their "group".

I'm disappointed that he didn't die.

To Face the Demons

As a step to reconcile myself with my "demons", I am going to attend the dinner-get together that I helped organize on Saturday next week. If I am not going to do this now, I don't think I'd have the opportunity to do it again.

[monja!] asked what I would do if [MJ] also attended the occasion. I told her that I would be civil enough t talk to him, though I am not sure what we could possible talk about anymore. She said small talk would be fine. I don't know what the two of us could talk about, since admittedly I haven't communicated with him since God knows how long it has been.

Then again, I also think that it's time to make amends, since I, too, have my own faults regarding the matter: I expected too much from someone who's oblivious and who obviously belong to the other side of the social spectrum, if you get my drift.

[monja!] further told me that based from their conversation, [MJ] missed my company. Well, I told her that I don't think I feel the same way for him, but I'm glad that someone do misses me, at least for now. Clearly, I have a lot of things in mind for some time now, and I thought I could just let go.

Well, I was wrong. At a time when threads of my social circles are unraveling, I believe I have to consolidate and solidify whatever is left. Not that he or [monja!] are make-do-with pieces, it's far from that. While we don't share common interest, I have to make do with what we do share and have in common.

People come and go, and some are to be kept. When you feel confident that things are settled, you'd be surprised that they aren't. If unprepared for it, you'd find yourself foundering, or blind lost in the dark and with your back to the wall. When it comes to that, then it's best to reconsider and assess the situation and realign it to make life better.

A Russian Spy and Po 210

I read that Polonium 210 was used in the recent high-profile case of the poisoning of an ex-Russian spy. It's kinda like a Bond film, only this one is real.

Here is what I read about Polonium from Lenntech:

In addition, polunium-210 is soluble and is circulated through the body to every tissue and cell in levels much higher than from residential radon. The proof is that it can be found in the blood and urine of smokers. The circulating polonium -210 causes genetic damage and early death from diseases reminiscent of early radiological pioneers: liver and bladder cancer, stomach ulcer, leukemia, cirrhosis of liver, and cardiovascular diseases.

Read more.

I don't know why, but this case excites me.

Reflections: Disederata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearlyl and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be crucial about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. (c) 1927 Max Ehrmann

---

The Disederata has intrigued me the first time a friend of mine mentioned the line "... a child of the universe ..." a few years back. I thought it was sort of like Invictus (Unconquered) by W. E. Henley or If by Rudyard Kipling, both deal mostly with stoicism. Perhaps Disederata also is, but I think it offers a whole lot more.

While the two poems, for me, don't exactly champion resignation to adversity, the short essay takes on conflict with an escapist point of view. The message is clear: ignore adversity. The line "Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit." is I think the best way to describe the essay's escapist tendency.

Actually, in a way I could relate most to this aspect of the essay. I also see no point in keeping emotional baggages in my life, being difficult to live now as it is. It's such a waste of space in the emotional compartment. There are more important things to mind and take care of, and I'd rather devote my life to that than some bothersome thought.

And yet I know that I have to confront my emotions so it won't get the better of me. It's high time for me to reconcile my mind, heart and soul to points in my life that I have left behind unaddressed. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. And I totally agree, and I know the ones that I have to start with in the coming weeks.

A second point of the essay is fatalism. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. It's like saying that no matter what you do, no action could change the fact that the universe has its own course. Sometimes I hate the fact that I am resigned to my fate. I know there is a way to influence my fate so it could advance for the better. The question is how?

On my part I'm still confused as to how I want my life to proceed. It is silly, especially for someone who has lived for almost three decades. But I'm being honest. Be yourself. There are so many matters I want to take care of all the same time, but I find myself not knowing what to do first. Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Point taken, and it is just like what I have written all these years.

Strive to be happy. Lastly, I guess it is obvious that to be happy, I have to do all that has been written before that line. I know it's hard, but then again, who said life is.

In Deep Shit, Or So I Thought

I thought for a moment there my boss would lambast me with sermon. It turns out that there was a problem with our New Year's display, and as usual, we (the GA and I) would be at the receiving end of my boss' wrath. It's fortunate though that the one assigned to work on it admitted about his mistake, saying that he overlooked the letters because he was focused much on the colors.

It saddens me that I have to deal with this situation - the feeling of dread - for 7 times a year, one for each promo. It saddens me because of the lack of support, for the most part, from my so-called defenders.

The surprise was that, while the one responsible hasn't arrived yet, my boss was freaking out and I was sure he was mad. But when the guy did arrive, my boss was calm, and he wasn't shouting. Again,

WHAT THE F*CK?!

Maybe I should resign myself to the fact that my boss gets over-excited when his goals are not met. I'm trying my very best to do so, but his mind is soooo fickle I can barely keep up.

At the end of this day, I'm just grateful to have made it through.

The Military is Not for the O.C.

http://www.kiwiblog.co.nz/images/helen1.JPG

With so many documentaries, TV shows, and movies depicting the fast but difficult life in the military, I think that OCs, myself included, would have a hard time adjusting to it.

I don't think that a five minute shower would do enough, and also the food, and the way they eat it. I like everything neat, and that would be hard if I had to go through mud everyday.

It's not that I'm discouraging people from joining the AFP, it's just that people like me might find military life too rigid and difficult to adjust to, even if they train you in time management and rigid formality.

http://www.citadel.edu/csi/CSI_Web_Pics/formation.jpg

(Kinda baduy naman the get-up.)

Retitled: Thankful, But Sad

While I am grateful that TS Reming (International Codename Durian) didn't hit Metro Manila directly, I am saddened by the fact that it claimed so many lives in Bicol, particularly Albay, the hardest hit province.

Stories of roof high mudflow burying entire barangays and car-sized boulders crushing everything in its path are blood-curdling, and the fact that the country had suffered three others in four months had brought almost brought the country to its knees. Luckily our nation is staunch and resilient.

Condolences to all the families affected by the natural disaster. I am looking forward to brighter days ahead for all of us.

The (Flawed) Wisdom of Solomon

When I was in grade school, I remember reading verses from the Bible during class and at home. (My most favorite and yet most feared is the Book of Revelations.) Besides David, whom I think has a serious libido problem, it was Solomon who dazzled me with his "wisdom".

There are two particular stories that caught my attention: the first is the story of the two mothers and the baby, and the second one was the story of the two merchants and the bag of coins.

Regarding the two mothers and the baby, it taught us compassion and the importance of life. Which is exactly the flaw in the justice given. During the time when DNA has not been discovered, Solomon argued that no mother would want to harm befall a child, especially one that is theirs. So, he went ahead and "awarded" the right to take care of the child to the one that wailed endlessly. But, what if the baby really belonged to the "angry" mother?

I don't think that compassion should partake with justice, in any form whatsoever. Justice is best ruled by evidence and logic derived from that evidence. That is how fair, unbiased justice is.

The second story is regarding a bag of coins claimed by two merchants: a butcher and hmm, I actually forget what the other one is (I think it was a baker, I'm not sure). Anyway, the story goes that the coins where put into a basin of water overnight, and by the next morning, a thin film of oil was hovering above the water. Solomon, basing his decision on evidence, decided to award the bag of coins to the butcher.

This argument is flawed. Why?

1) The bag that held the coins was most likely soaked in oil. Remember that their bags came from the hide of dead animals. People then had to coat their baggages in oil so that water and moisture would not damage the contents.

2) People produced oil via the oil glands of the skin. Whoever touched the coins would have smeared it with their own body oil. In a hot land where water was scarce, I'm sure people sweat a lot. The coins has been paid to the merchant, and so the oil from the hands of the former owner would have added to oil on the coins.

Still, Solomon went ahead and awarded the coins to whom he saw fit.

Based on the two stories, in the eyes of man, he had done great justice. In the eyes of God, the source of all logic and rationality, has he?

During our times of uncertainty, it is important not to take everything in its face value. Logic and rational reasoning should rule the day. Today, I am glad that science has simplified the way justice should be metted. To some, this seems too cold.

I wouldn't have it in any other way.

It's Not My Time and Place

I honestly don't know what to feel right now.... damn...

When you're trying to expand your horizons or social circle, and when you think everything is okay, you get the surprise of your life.

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko.

Maybe it's not really my time and place, and maybe... I just don't know.

I'm trying not to explode. I'm trying to keep things under [extereme] pressure. I'm actually shaking just doing so.

When will my disappointments ever end?

Vision of Light

I woke up early one Sunday morning to a vision of the sun's ray filtering through the glass gap above the front door. I immediately took a picture of it and marveled at the sense of peace it gave.

The door leads to my semi-private sanctuary inside the house of sister #3.

Familiar Waters

I wrote about a college crush last night on my journal (diary). I wrote all of the things that I associate with him for these past few years. It was a lengthy entry, and I surprised myself that I was able to finish it using my aligned cursive handwriting, which according to [ennui] is nice to look at. (Yes, I am gloating about my handwriting, so?)

Maybe when I look back at all those years, I'd probably say that it was a silly point in my life, or otherwise.

It has actually been some time since I last wrote a piece like that. In a way it's kind of liberating, the way I've poured my thoughts and emotions to the writing of that entry. I understand the futility of my yearning, I comprehend the uselessness of such wishful thinking.

But at least it is one thing that I can hold on and look forward to.

Looking back at my journey, I see nothing but such familiar feelings and situations that I may or may not have intentionally dragged myself into. Do I regret my decisions?

I don't.

You see, I don't find anything wrong in admiring someone to the point that it overwhelms me completely. Instead, what I do is that I draw inspiration from it, because as I have said a million times before, I always find happiness in my sweet sorrow. And there isn't much choice.

Yes, I am an emotional masochist.

How ironic that I entertain such irrational behavior and thinking, for someone who claims rationality, logic, and practicality. I, myself, am not sure as to why, all I know it just IS. It probably stems out from the way that I was brought up - to love and serve and uplift others first, before myself.

It may not be romantic love, but it is love nonetheless, or even more.

Joy in suffering, a sense of wholeness in exaltation. That is where I draw my strength when everything else fails.

Regarding him, I'm just glad I found someone with whom I can share something that I really like to do. At least I, a tiny speck in his universe, shine bright in his eyes, if even for a moment.

I leave the rest up to God.