Familiar Waters

I wrote about a college crush last night on my journal (diary). I wrote all of the things that I associate with him for these past few years. It was a lengthy entry, and I surprised myself that I was able to finish it using my aligned cursive handwriting, which according to [ennui] is nice to look at. (Yes, I am gloating about my handwriting, so?)

Maybe when I look back at all those years, I'd probably say that it was a silly point in my life, or otherwise.

It has actually been some time since I last wrote a piece like that. In a way it's kind of liberating, the way I've poured my thoughts and emotions to the writing of that entry. I understand the futility of my yearning, I comprehend the uselessness of such wishful thinking.

But at least it is one thing that I can hold on and look forward to.

Looking back at my journey, I see nothing but such familiar feelings and situations that I may or may not have intentionally dragged myself into. Do I regret my decisions?

I don't.

You see, I don't find anything wrong in admiring someone to the point that it overwhelms me completely. Instead, what I do is that I draw inspiration from it, because as I have said a million times before, I always find happiness in my sweet sorrow. And there isn't much choice.

Yes, I am an emotional masochist.

How ironic that I entertain such irrational behavior and thinking, for someone who claims rationality, logic, and practicality. I, myself, am not sure as to why, all I know it just IS. It probably stems out from the way that I was brought up - to love and serve and uplift others first, before myself.

It may not be romantic love, but it is love nonetheless, or even more.

Joy in suffering, a sense of wholeness in exaltation. That is where I draw my strength when everything else fails.

Regarding him, I'm just glad I found someone with whom I can share something that I really like to do. At least I, a tiny speck in his universe, shine bright in his eyes, if even for a moment.

I leave the rest up to God.