Somehing To Hold On and Look Forward To

You know, at my age I should have to learned to let go of things, events, ideas, and people that I know would not become part of my life forever. It's pointless. Yet, if I do so, then there isn't much left to hold on to, is there? I'll free fall into the pit of uncertainty.

What is out there? I already feel the stagnation working. Maybe I should accept the fact that my life would be better elsewhere. Abroad, perhaps? Somewhere I can start anew and do things right. Because here, all I know are lies and deceit, shallowness, emptiness -- there's really nothing there. I'm like an empty shell.

You see, same old questions. Where do I fucking start?

I envy those people whose lives are already mapped out, those who follow their dreams, and those fate had been kind to.

Actually, these thoughts of mine were aggravated when I met [Ge]. He's young, obviously in love with his girlfriend, and obviously enjoying what he does with his life. It's like he's oblivious to all problems. He's planning on finding a place for them both, and had actually asked for my help. So he's happy living and loving the girl I believe he plans to marry someday. They're a great pair. How about [John]? He's married, he's got kids, and he gets to travel with his family. These guys, I think they don't worry about life.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have plans of getting married. It's just that, I envy them both because at least they have something to hold on to. Something that both gives them strength. It's not love, because I don't think that it's appropriate for me.

Isn't it odd that I feel as if I'm the only one experiencing this?

Everyday I greet the same morning, asking wether there is something more to life than just waking up from a vivid dream of both happiness and sorrow. At least in my dreams I can make things happen. It's not that I want my life to be perfect - that would be a complete bore.

I just need to have something to hold on and look forward to.

When I look at my friends, all I can see is success, or their sure path to it. Of course I am happy for them, who wouldn't be?

I thank those who believe that I have the strength to wether my problems. But do I believe in myself?

Ano ba mayroon sa buhay na ito? Saan ako magsisimula para mahanap ang bagay na mabibigay sa akin ng lakas para sumaya?

I'm ready to meet that happiness.

And when I do, I can sing these lines:

All by myself/I don't need anyone at all/I know I'll survive/I know I'll stay alive//All on my own/I don't need anyone this time/It will be mine/No one can take it from me/You'll see

For those who are unfamiliar with it, it's the chorus of Madonna's "You'll See".